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miscellanium) wrote2024-12-31 03:09 pm
the littlest hobo: lumberjacks (1983)
the way his handwriting stands out, the height difference, the playing with his suspenders, the hhggrAAAGH
the "is it worth watching this for lawrence dane" rating: 2.5/5
the plot: a small-town lumberjack gets injured in a lumberjack competition with money riding on it, and our doggy hero smells sabotage. also there's hockey-related posters wherever possible. could this be any more canadian? it's very much a children's show and it shows in the writing and overall lack of imagination in the direction, though at least unlike wishbone there's no annoying children (not in this episode anyway).
that said, dane's acting is more than decent given the context and he has so much screentime. so so much. i wanted to rate this more highly because he's in this a lot and he's still in the era where to me he is in peak physical form (roughly speaking my preference is for 1967-1987, 1990 at the latest, though of course he's devastatingly handsome prior to 1967 too) but i showed this to an objective yet still supportive second party and they said that in their opinion it'd merit a 2 at most because, well, it's a children's tv show episode. nothing especially artistic about it, and even from a cultural studies angle there's not a lot going on that'd be interesting to analyze. which isn't to say there's nothing--i do find myself curious about the way they styled the appearances of the "bad guys" and the hint of a backstory for one of them that goes completely unexplored--but if i take off my horny goggles i'm compelled to agree with the lower rating since you wouldn't be missing much by not watching this, so the 2.5 is my compromise between id and ego.
this is pretty easy to find online with autocaptions at the moment, though it seems that the only version available is one specific vhs rip of a tv recording since i've yet to see any uploads with better quality. here's the episode on youtube, and here it is on the internet archive (episode 5x08).
highlight: those eyes...... 
i did like how it quickly cut to someone else climbing the "tree" because it reminded me of the anecdote about control of inmates where he lied about his rope-climbing abilities to get the role, lol.
he falls and hurts himself because his climbing harness snaps but there's so much about this scene that looks wildly inappropriate if i use my screencaps for evil. behold:
this should've been a porno tbh and i had multiple people point out that the video quality makes it look like one
yeah the focus is on the dog but look how big its paw is compared to his hand,,
he's so,, big,,,,,, his height is generally documented as 6'1 so if that's correct then the other guy can't be more than 5'5, right? i haven't been able to find anything about doug stratton's height so if you have a different height estimate pls lmk
also my mind is runnin' wild with deleted scenes where dane's character was paying for a hookup i mean just LOOK
i do love his all-caps writing (we get to see him do it so there's no doubt) but also the angle here with his suspenders and his belly is obliterating me i'm sorry
sir why did you sit on the pool table like a little slut
so the dog dropped some acid on the pool table (not like that) and the bottle got busted by a wayward pool ball so dane's character could discover that the bad guys had sabotaged his climbing harness, but the way he wiped his hand on himself.... your suspender strap is gonna snap. thanks for the hypothetical fanservice i guess lol
and then little guy's big goon knocks him out off-screen to prevent him ratting them out and they put him in chain bondage and the camera zooms in on his tits. i'm not joking
I TOLD YOU I WASN'T JOKIMG!!!
the dog comes to his rescue and man what a big doggy. 
it almost looks like dane's about to start laughing when the take cuts, i wonder if the dog was supposed to do smth but was too excited by the idea of treats? either way it's cute
after using the axe that the dog brings him to cut the ropes on his wrists, he wrecks the shit out of the desk he's chained to so big goon comes to check on him and dane throws the axe next to his head then punches him. it's very sexy
then he jogs back to the lumberjack competition and works up a sweat and it's very sexy. this is a very sexy episode, to me
bares my teeth and unhinges my jaw
after ratting out his ex-boyfriend as a crooked bookie and saving the day for the common people gambling their hard-earned wages on the bodies of working men, his son wins the competition as god intended and then he wants to thank the dog for helping him out by offering to buy it a steak dinner but it chooses to continue its journey elsewhere. when the son asks what the dog did, dane says "i'll tell you all about it but five will get you ten you won't believe me" which is way more cryptic than necessary and i know they were just going for a laugh line or something but it has me thinking about another deleted scene. sorry.
anyway yeah, highly recommend if you don't mind ~25 minutes of children's media! as said above, it's easy to find these days.
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good god that belly.... hnnn.....
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