miscellanium | nothing personal (1980)

dabney coleman's face here is how i felt watching this but man dane looked good. if only i could've had his arm around me for it lmao

the "is it worth watching this for lawrence dane" rating: 0.5/5

tbh this could easily be a zero but he does manage to salvage his role, which still isn't saying much, and in a way i feel like this film is worth watching once if only so you can re-evaluate your criteria for "worst fucking movie you've ever seen". my worst is still dreamcatcher because that one makes me so angry, but this one is basically a tie minus the rage reaction. this movie mostly just confuses me?

the plot: a reviewer from the globe and mail saved a synopsis of the plot for his last paragraph because "I don't know how to talk about it; a simple summary is going to sound like a personal attack on the screenwriter" and, yeah, fair. but here goes my attempt: a law professor (donald sutherland) learns about a development project nearby where native seals are being killed to clear the land for a future military base, and decides to embark on a legal crusade that takes him up against the american air force but mostly against the corporation contracted for the development. and somehow it's a comedy? a sex comedy at that. A COMEDY THAT SHOWS REAL LIVE FOOTAGE OF SEALS BEING BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED WITHIN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OF THE FILM.

oh man, you guys. jeez. this movie. it might have been a passable drama, especially with a big name like sutherland - when i saw he was the lead i was like "oh, ok, he was great in invasion of the body snatchers" and yet. he has zero charisma in this, zero chemistry with his co-star suzanne somers, and he mangles the delivery of most of the few jokes there are that i barely laughed at even when i was watching this the first time completely drunk. somers also was not funny - her character is supposed to be a lawyer but seems to be more interested in trying to bone than in doing her job, and it's just uncomfortable rather than endearing in any way. her mugging doesn't play well opposite sutherland's stiff acting; perhaps if the movie were a proper farce like "find the lady" her acting would have felt better suited. if i can't even laugh at a comedy when i'm wasted that's a bad sign. probably the fact that it opened with REAL ANIMAL SLAUGHTER was a mood killer, maybe? just maybe. hard to say. at least it never shows the footage again.

what's extra frustrating about this movie is that dane does a fine job with his role as the head/public face of the corporation in charge of the development. fortunately he doesn't show up until about 30 minutes in so he is not involved with the seal-clubbing footage. he's also very cute in this (i know i know i say this every time) and his character is super touchy-feely for some reason?? like i want to know if he was coached to do that or if he just decided this guy was gonna take every chance he could to touch his business partner, played by dabney coleman. (now there's an idea for a fanfic lmao.) if this had all simply...been in a different, less-terrible film.......

this movie was widely regarded as bad by critics at the time and is officially a box office bomb, but it was a tax shelter project so i guess the people in charge just didn't give a shit since they got to walk away with that bonus. this washington post review describes how lousy this is pretty well, setting aside the reviewer's weird sexism towards somers (though to be fair the script itself is really fucking weird towards her character), and closes with the only redeeming feature of this movie: "Overcompensating [for my intense dislike of Sutherland in this role], I developed a perverse affection for Lawrence Dane and Dabney Coleman as the corporate baddies. The quality of the roles aside, their teamwork certainly puts the stars to shame." they're honestly the best actors in this trainwreck, though there is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance by a very young eugene levy. gary reineke (d.j. in rituals and he's also in the clown murders) has a couple scenes in this as a mildly amusing pompous air force officer, but the first time i watched this i was more tickled to see him in the same room as dane yet again - if only at the very end of the movie.

another review, this one from the new york times, also praises dane lol. that's generally the pattern with the contemporary reviews i've found - either they don't mention him because they're too busy being appalled by everything else, or if they do mention him they're complimenting him like he's a drink of water in the middle of a desert. which is totally what it felt like every time i watched this. the garden-variety 1970s-style casual racism towards native americans doesn't do the film any favors either, but there's not too much of it, i guess....

yeah, i watched this more than once. why? i wanted to watch it sober to see if i was just too drunk to follow it or something and no, it was that bad. and then another time because i needed an objective third party to confirm that i'm not crazy and this movie is just incredibly fucking bad. but! i put together a video that only has dane's scenes so i no longer have to suffer through the rest of it. you can view it here.

and i guess that's enough about how bad this movie is, lol, let's look at how cute dane is instead.

highlight: he looks so good in that tracksuit i hate this *puts his fingers in my mouth*

he was hanging all over him for like five minutes, and then there was the introduction bit earlier where he kept touching everyone. cute <3

k-kawaii.......

after the activists resoundingly get a metaphorical rug pulled out from under them, he makes a point of acting like nothing happened and even fiddles with the flag in front of him to make it look nicer. it's little moments like this that almost make the movie feel like the comedy it's supposed to be, though i get the impression this was all his own improvisation lol

he kept holding the cigarette like it was a joint?? lmfghd i've never seen someone do that

oh to share a bed with him.... even if he might set the bed on fire. it's ok he looks adorable in his jammies. also he completely misses the actual ashtray when he goes to stub out the cig lmao. and check out that PHONE

the way he looks in this whole scene gives me rabies

1. ADORABLE AAAA 2. this was one of the only genuinely amusing moments imo, also more homo: he's waving at his child but dabney coleman thinks it's at him. lol

BUTT

i know i'm insane but this feels like the first in a pinup series. take off the vest, unbutton the flannel a little more.... place that shotgun suggestively in your lap....................................

this and the next few shots are weirdly dark in the original so i've lightened them a little. i guess they didn't compensate well for whatever the weather was doing because it's supposed to be daytime

it's like he has a compulsion to touch people omg

the ending is so fucking stupid but he is so fucking cute. puts him in my mouth

to quote an imdb review: "Despite this negative opinion [of the movie], I must still advise anyone with an interest in Donald Sutherland, Suzanne Somers, or bad movies, that one should watch this all the way through, despite the tedium, to appreciate the bizarre and remarkable ending. Even though I could not describe what it is, it is to be seen to be believed. That someone, or some people, at the end of several months work watched this last scene and thought "Yeah, that makes a good ending" defies belief. Watch it for the ending!"

or you could just watch the video i linked above so you can see the stupid ending without having to witness the seal-clubbing.

bonus:

he DOES have a scar on his lip!! you can see the shine of it here like in that mission impossible episode, so i wasn't just delusional. HOW DID YOU GET THAT SCAR???? we may never know.......